Just Let It Go...
I guess what’s discouraging is the fact that I’ve never been completely over Her. I’ve been distracted, sure, and I’ve put on my best act of ‘bigger person moving on,’ but it’s never been the real thing. It’s sort of like every aspect in my life. I do the whole ‘push things off to the side’ thing while trying to ignore the reality around me. Partially because I know how bad reality sucks; but, mainly because I have no balls. So what happens is I end up pushing things to the very edge, where I’m forced to make a last minute decision of ‘am I going to save this before it falls off.’ What always ends up happening is I make my best diving effort, and manage to have just enough strength to pull things away from the edge just as they’re starting to fall. The problem here is I don’t have the balls to actually let something fall. Letting something fall is letting it die.
I guess in a way I’m a pack-rat. I have two big boxes in my closet with things in it that I just can’t throw away. It has old trophies, sport programs, school papers, toys, nick-knacks, etc. The top shelf of my closet is consumed by a tower of t-shirts that is already starting to tilt forward. How long until I grow out of my current belongings and have to get another box? How long until I grow out of my current wardrobe and have to start construction of another tower? Pretty soon, there’s no room in my closet for anymore boxes or shirts. Pretty soon, anything of sentimental value that may have been packed away will be lost in an abundance of things that don’t matter. That’s when I will have to spend all of my time looking for the things that matter until I completely lose sight of what mattered in the first place.
So move the items of my closet onto this cliff, and set them next to everything that is just starting to creep over the edge: my schoolwork, my friendships, my relationships, my health. With all of these things piling up and consuming more space, I no longer have room to pull or push. So, one of two things will happen. If, at the time of maximum capacity, I am located in the middle of my mess, trying to pull things from the edge, everything will cave in on me; thus, ending in suffocation. If I’m trying to push things away from the edge, I, myself, will be what is pushed off; thus, ending with a splat.
I have to do some thinking. I have to realize what is worth keeping. I have to realize what I even have room for. Then I have to grow a backbone and just send everything to the bottom for a splat. But, regardless of how I may feel right now, or how I felt yesterday, or even how I’ll feel tomorrow, She will always matter. I would let myself fall before even considering pushing Her down. That is probably the biggest problem I have.
